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NZ Torea (oystercatcher) on Kakanui beach.

I appear to have found my blog again. It was hiding under the pile of messy life challenges and changes that generally we didn’t sign up or ask for but are what most of us experience particularly if we live long enough. Each incoming tide brings changes to the beach when the storm waves crash and pound.

So for me life is considerably changed since December 2022 when my dearest love died. Life in 2022 was very challenging providing his care and support during his final illness. I confess to being very broken and changed from losing him. I miss him terribly. With such a close death you peer into the dark of your own mortality and the fragile brief existence of your life. He wanted to go as his life was untenable as he got sicker but he was sad to leave me alone.

So I’m picking up the broken shards of some sort of life on my own without his warm loving presence beside me. People tell me he is held in my heart. The faith believing ones say we’ll have an eternal life together and he’s in a better place. The last one annoys me as if his place loving me and being loved in return wasn’t good enough. Plus we loved our life together. It wasn’t perfect, the early years and economic difficulties were challenging, as was raising young children and emigrating on a financial shoestring. But we stuck it out together for nearly forty years because we wanted to be together and couldn’t imagine a different life being apart.

We’ve both believed that you only have an earthly life and it’s up to you to get along on this planet as best you can. we worked together in our Osteopathic clinic for twenty one years doing our best to help and support people in pain. For many emotional pain had spilled into their bodies which they sought relief from. I am learning myself what grief does to your physical body too.

People talk to me about moving on, getting there…. As if there is some destination to arrive at following grief. As if it won’t forever be a part of your life that scars you inside and shapes everything you do and feel. I think it’s because they want you to feel happy again, to be well. That grief is an uncomfortable emotion to witness and be close to. And they’re right it is, but it is the price of being human and risking loving people.

Life is fragile and every day counts.

Every minute spent on beach with my love was precious. I’m so glad we always found time to do this together throughout our life on many beaches and rivers across continents and years.

This entry was posted in Grief.
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